red shoes

Today I have been married 15 years. We have been married 15 years, I should say. I'm truly the luckiest. I have one of those loves, one of those marriages that just works. It's happy and easy and filled with laughter. I am so grateful. 15 years ago today, my Mom planned and executed the best night of my life. When we were in Georgia last week I found 'the binder'. It's red, of course. And on the front in sharpie is written "MOB". Mother of the Bride.  It held everything, all the details, magazine clippings, price quotes, even her business card and a 'if lost return to!" note. I have no doubt that the months and weeks and days that led up to our wedding were some of the most stressful of my Mom's life but she didn't ever let me know it. We used to joke about the week before the wedding how she would say 'yes' to anything I wanted. It was fantastic! You want the bridesmaids to wear 'celadon' dresses? Sounds like a great i...

I thought after Mom died I would be writing a lot. I thought the words would just flow like they usually do when my emotions run hot. Figured I'd be a best selling author by now. Instead the words just bounce around my head, nothing really coherent coming together. Maybe it's because I'm barely keeping it together. Unsurprisingly losing my Mom followed by a global pandemic hasn't been a walk in the park. The switch from Mom to Mom and Teacher and Chef and cleaning lady and boredom coordinator wasn't one I anticipated and isn't one I would willingly sign up for. Quiet moments are few and far between and if I am blessed with one I find myself staring at a wall just so I can gather my thoughts, figure out the last time I showered and determine what the next right thing is. Not writing. I think about Mom all the time. But not too much. I can't dive in too deep because I'm afraid I won't resurface and thanks to the pandemic, I can't risk it. I cry o...