Control the Controllable.
I'm pretty sure I just graduated from high school or maybe college. Either way, I'm not old enough for this sometimes. This is the shit grown ups deal with. I can't possibly be a grown up.
I'm 35. And a half. Been married for almost 12 years and have three kids. And a dog. Somehow though, my Mom being sick reduces me to 10 years old some days (mostly on days that end in Y). Today is one of those days.
It's ovarian cancer. Still stage IV. Doesn't matter how many times I hear that, it still stops me dead in my tracks. Makes my arms and legs feel numb. My Mom is not going to survive this. This isn't one of those cancer battles where we wear ribbons and walk around a track and cheer her on and then celebrate and use words like remission. This one is different from that. And I can't change it, fix it, control it. There's literally NOTHING I can do.
I mentioned before that Mom changed her diet when she learned more about what cancer feeds on, what helps it thrive. Meat, sugar, dairy. Control the controllable. I don't have a lot to hold onto in this, because I can't change the cancer for her. I can't make the pain go away. So I'm working on controlling the controllable, gives me somewhere to focus some extra grief-fueled energy. Helps me re-purpose frustration and sadness and anger. I have cut out dairy, save my coffee creamer because, baby steps. Meat is the next step. And this change is a big one. Like everyone else I embraced Dr. Atkins and his teachings and am conditioned to eat a high protein low carb diet. Eggs for breakfast, chicken for lunch, fish at dinner. Animal protein with every meal. Changing that is a complete 180 for us. But I'm working on it. I'm embracing the long shamed white potato. I'm learning what plants are rich in protein. Vegan or vegetarian, I am not. And I probably won't ever be. But if I can cut down our meat consumption to a couple of times a week, and even better, if that meat is fish, we will be healthier for it.
It's odd. It's not like I didn't know that red meat is bad for you, or that chickens are raised in tiny cages and injected with all kinds of crap. I knew that. We all knew it. But it never affected me because I'm young and healthy and 'whatever, I'll be fine. Won't happen to me.' Well guess what, SMACK. It happened to my Mom. It can absolutely happen to me. So Mom is hopefully controlling this assholestupidbastard cancer with veggies and wine. And I'm gonna join her. Because, solidarity. And because fuck you cancer. And because we can control the controllable. And that's all we have to hold onto right now. That, and each other. Thank goodness for that.
I'm 35. And a half. Been married for almost 12 years and have three kids. And a dog. Somehow though, my Mom being sick reduces me to 10 years old some days (mostly on days that end in Y). Today is one of those days.
It's ovarian cancer. Still stage IV. Doesn't matter how many times I hear that, it still stops me dead in my tracks. Makes my arms and legs feel numb. My Mom is not going to survive this. This isn't one of those cancer battles where we wear ribbons and walk around a track and cheer her on and then celebrate and use words like remission. This one is different from that. And I can't change it, fix it, control it. There's literally NOTHING I can do.
I mentioned before that Mom changed her diet when she learned more about what cancer feeds on, what helps it thrive. Meat, sugar, dairy. Control the controllable. I don't have a lot to hold onto in this, because I can't change the cancer for her. I can't make the pain go away. So I'm working on controlling the controllable, gives me somewhere to focus some extra grief-fueled energy. Helps me re-purpose frustration and sadness and anger. I have cut out dairy, save my coffee creamer because, baby steps. Meat is the next step. And this change is a big one. Like everyone else I embraced Dr. Atkins and his teachings and am conditioned to eat a high protein low carb diet. Eggs for breakfast, chicken for lunch, fish at dinner. Animal protein with every meal. Changing that is a complete 180 for us. But I'm working on it. I'm embracing the long shamed white potato. I'm learning what plants are rich in protein. Vegan or vegetarian, I am not. And I probably won't ever be. But if I can cut down our meat consumption to a couple of times a week, and even better, if that meat is fish, we will be healthier for it.
It's odd. It's not like I didn't know that red meat is bad for you, or that chickens are raised in tiny cages and injected with all kinds of crap. I knew that. We all knew it. But it never affected me because I'm young and healthy and 'whatever, I'll be fine. Won't happen to me.' Well guess what, SMACK. It happened to my Mom. It can absolutely happen to me. So Mom is hopefully controlling this assholestupidbastard cancer with veggies and wine. And I'm gonna join her. Because, solidarity. And because fuck you cancer. And because we can control the controllable. And that's all we have to hold onto right now. That, and each other. Thank goodness for that.
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