one month in.

It's been a month. It seems like an eternity and a blink all at once. A month ago our lives were changed, forever. It sounds dramatic. Uber dramatic actually. But it's true. None of us will ever be the same from this journey. Wherever it leads will change each of us.

I've learned that my Mom is more stunning than ever. She's always been pretty. She's got a Carly Simon-esque smile that has always lit up a room. The years have been kind to her and she's aged gracefully. But lately when I look at pictures we take, she looks absolutely gorgeous. It's like I can see her spirit shining through. It warms me. Brings me peace. I love seeing her happy.

I've learned that none of us can do this alone. There have been serious sob-fests in the last month. Ones where your legs buckle underneath you and you can't breathe. Those kinds.  They take 'ugly crying' to the next level. If you're alone when one of those hits, it's even worse. Misery loves company. Somehow I feel better when I'm sobbing into the arms of someone who is also sobbing. It's a collective, group release.

I've learned that I can survive, maybe even thrive, without meat and dairy. I'm actually shocked at the level of energy I have. I don't feel any different, leaner maybe, but I definitely don't miss the meat or dairy. It probably helps that they feel toxic to me right now. Like if I eat them I'm intentionally poisoning myself or something. Everything in moderation. I know that. But if you are predisposed to a condition, maybe a little less than moderation. Like if you're from a family of alcoholics, maybe be a little extra cautious about how much you imbibe. I am not ready to commit to anything that starts with a V (vegan, vegetarian) but I do want to continue and see how it goes. Maybe 80/20 is a good balance. Because pizza. And steak. Once in a while.

Not that it was ever a question, because he is actually the Best, but this has been a kind reminder that I am married to the most wonderful, strong, amazing person. This is gut wrenching for him too, but he's the rock I need. He's cried with me, sat with me, come home to be with me, he is everything for me. This is the real stuff life hands you, and how we handle it, cope with it, face it, says a lot about who we are as a couple. Thanks to him, we are rock solid.

I've learned that we are so fucking lucky that Mom is leading us on this journey. It's not easy for her, it's the farthest thing from easy. And she can't lead every day. But the days she does, those are the ones that are holding us together. Probably also the days that take the most out of her. But those times where she wants to shop or chat about the day or Google something for me like a boss, I love those times.

There are things we are still learning, and may never learn.

I'm not sure how to say goodbye yet. Not forever, just from a quick visit when we are with her. I fight the urge to squeeze her so hard her head pops off and try not to cry my face off, every time.

I'm not sure how or when to tell our kids. There won't ever be the right time, they'll be crushed just like we are. But for now, as long as they don't ask, we aren't there yet.

I'm still not sure how to find balance. How you enjoy time together without being absolutely devastated that it's likely the last time you do whatever it is together.

And I'm still not sure why us. Probably won't ever know the answer to that one. We are each paving our own path, and somedays those roads come together, some days they don't. But they are all following the one paved by Mom. Because she's just a little bit ahead of us, just like always.