Usually
Kind and brave. That's what I tell my kids every morning before school. Be kind and be brave. Lately I've been on the receiving end of the 'be kind' portion of that mantra. "Be kind to yourself, Corey". I'm trying.
We have these amazing kids. But along with being amazing and smart and adorable and funny and pretty much perfect, they're kids. And they can be assholes on occasion. Usually I can take those moments in stride. Usually when someone rolls their eyes when I request that the let the dog, who has been outside barking for five minutes, inside I give them the look and they know. The Mom look. It's a furrowing of the brow and a pursing of the lips that says 'don't mess with me, I am one step away from losing IT'. I learned that look from my Mom, by the way. Usually if one of them wants to argue about helping with the trash or doing homework before they play iPad, it's an easy fix, there's no yelling and no one loses their temper. We take it in stride, reset the course and move on. Usually.
Right now, not so much.
I'm a loose Cannon. So when Cannon, our 8 year old, wants to argue about eating green beans, he might as well have burned the house down judging by my reaction. Or when the 5 year old picks off the nail polish I just put on her nails, at her request, and specifically told her not to pick off... she might as well have drop kicked her sister down the stairs. It's not a good look for me. I'm pretty sure to them it looks something like Cruella DeVille.
Sometimes I want to scream "Bubbles has cancer!!! She's dying." in an effort to help them understand that it doesn't matter who opens the fucking car door or which booster seat they sit in. But I know that will do far more damage than good and none of us are ready for them to know that yet. So far I've managed to just loudly emphasize that "there are BIGGER THINGS IN THE WORLD TO WORRY ABOUT THAN WHO IS GOING TO CLOSE THE DOOR!".
I don't know how to separate my emotions. I am so sad, my heart hurts so much, I'm so scared. And all of these things just sit on the surface. There's no burying them. I have to figure out how to make sure I am breathing. Not just breathing but really breathing. At our beloved Tampa preschool they tell the kids to 'smell your flower and blow out your candle'. I think I'll practice flower sniffing and candle blowing this week. Or maybe I'll just let them eat whatever they want and stare at screens way longer than usual because right now life is hard and we're all doing the best that we can.
Be kind to yourself, Corey.
We have these amazing kids. But along with being amazing and smart and adorable and funny and pretty much perfect, they're kids. And they can be assholes on occasion. Usually I can take those moments in stride. Usually when someone rolls their eyes when I request that the let the dog, who has been outside barking for five minutes, inside I give them the look and they know. The Mom look. It's a furrowing of the brow and a pursing of the lips that says 'don't mess with me, I am one step away from losing IT'. I learned that look from my Mom, by the way. Usually if one of them wants to argue about helping with the trash or doing homework before they play iPad, it's an easy fix, there's no yelling and no one loses their temper. We take it in stride, reset the course and move on. Usually.
Right now, not so much.
I'm a loose Cannon. So when Cannon, our 8 year old, wants to argue about eating green beans, he might as well have burned the house down judging by my reaction. Or when the 5 year old picks off the nail polish I just put on her nails, at her request, and specifically told her not to pick off... she might as well have drop kicked her sister down the stairs. It's not a good look for me. I'm pretty sure to them it looks something like Cruella DeVille.
Sometimes I want to scream "Bubbles has cancer!!! She's dying." in an effort to help them understand that it doesn't matter who opens the fucking car door or which booster seat they sit in. But I know that will do far more damage than good and none of us are ready for them to know that yet. So far I've managed to just loudly emphasize that "there are BIGGER THINGS IN THE WORLD TO WORRY ABOUT THAN WHO IS GOING TO CLOSE THE DOOR!".
I don't know how to separate my emotions. I am so sad, my heart hurts so much, I'm so scared. And all of these things just sit on the surface. There's no burying them. I have to figure out how to make sure I am breathing. Not just breathing but really breathing. At our beloved Tampa preschool they tell the kids to 'smell your flower and blow out your candle'. I think I'll practice flower sniffing and candle blowing this week. Or maybe I'll just let them eat whatever they want and stare at screens way longer than usual because right now life is hard and we're all doing the best that we can.
Be kind to yourself, Corey.
Awww I love this post. For so many reasons. Mostly because you are such a gifted writer, but also because you do need to be kind to yourself. Love you, and you can do hard things.
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